Hugs? Is anyone giving hugs?

Teacher taught us to divide a circle today.

Draw a cross at the center, then you have four quarters. Draw another cross, bring it in from the sides this time, then you have cut the quarters into more quarters. I liked cutting circles earlier today, but right now, something is cutting my heart and it hurts.

I feel like a cry is stuck in my chest, so I walk to the hallway. I am five years old, my little voice and my little yellow t-shirt is causing some form of resonance as I call out to someone, anyone.

“Hugs? Is anyone giving hugs? I really could use a hug right now.”

I settle into the hug I get, the cry in my chest dries out until I can breathe again and I fall asleep.

Sometimes, I wonder if this courage will ever come again.

I wonder if when I have a cry lodged in my chest, I can ever say “Hugs? Is anyone giving hugs? I really could use a hug right now.”

I have need for so much comfort. Comfort from what? I do not know. I just need comfort. Some say that maybe it’s just my inordinate need for attention playing out, but I do not believe them. Just as I wonder, many times, if I’d ever get the courage to ask for comfort, I imagine a different scene sometimes.

In this scene, a kind friend would say,

“How are you? Do you need a hug?”

I’d smile in gratitude, fulfillment, and excitement.

And then, I’d do a showcase of all that I have achieved.

I will say,

“See, I did this really hard thing. I sighed when it got difficult and I looked on for a bit — thinking nothing, saying nothing — resting till I was compelled to have another look and try again — and I did. I saw this little thing bloom into this big thing. And happy as a lark, I jumped for joy! I was happy.”

“I am happy now. I am really happy now. All is well with my world.”

I imagine that one day, I will not need a hug to let out the cry that is stuck in my chest. I will bend inwards and crumple into a little ball; crying and hating that things are not going my way. Then I will sigh and wait.

In waiting, I will let my mind and body repair. And then, I would stand, feeling refreshed enough to try again.

A hug would be nice, but I still have some strength left from letting out that cry, my friend.